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Essay contribution to The Thirlby, “Sex 101” — a series that highlights the educations and experiences — no matter how unconventional — of our contributing writers that have something to say about how they navigated, learned, and unlearned certain sex and dating norms.
How to Breakup with Your Relationship Pattern
Essay
I found myself on my bedroom floor one night, crying over another failed relationship. This involved the simultaneous action of shoving too much guac & chips down my esophagus while heavy sobs fell out of my mouth.
Guac and chips, my staple heartbreak snack.
I was playing a game of Russian roulette with how many chips it would take to choke to death. I had a strange feeling of déjà vu, like I had been in this exact position before. Maybe not particularly on my bedroom floor, suctioning up chips like a vacuum, but something close. A similar feeling. A similar situation. Maybe even a similar pattern. It felt like the only person to put the blame on was myself. I was doing this. Was I the cause of my romantic trauma?
Did I just come face to face with my relationship pattern? A cycle of my own behaviors and actions that influence how I treat people and myself. Relationship pattern: repeating the same (destructive) behaviors over and over again, involving different types of people.
We all have one, whether we admit it or not. We start to create it during our first romantic interaction, which builds onward into other future interactions — platonically or intimately. We start to form a habit that begins to weave itself into our behaviors — toward ourselves and others. It starts with past experiences that shape the way we perceive certain things. My parents are the perfect example of a healthy, loving relationship. A committed one, at that. They never do extravagant things for each other, and I think that’s why their relationship works so well. It’s the small things they do that prove their devotion. Many of my childhood memories consist of me and my sister watching my parents perform their public displays of affection. My sister’s response was always something along the lines of, “Gross! Not at the dinner table.” My response was the complete opposite. I was happy to see them in that form because I typically wasn’t exposed to that. Not in people we passed on the street or in my friend’s parents. If my dad wanted to grab my mom’s butt, with consent, in the middle of the grocery store, I was the first to support it.
But my parents' relationship was never easy. It seemed like a long, tiring journey that needed maximal effort from both parties, yet they never gave up. So I used their story as my own, and I believed that mine needed to be identical. I needed to find someone who I could give my all to. I thought that I could create my own fairytale using my parent’s uniquely crafted fairytale as an outline. This plan’s flaw was that their relationship was designed for them and not for me. I found myself failing to replicate their love because it was never mine in the first place. Cue my own relationship patterns.
We start to use our past experiences as tools to finalize our perceptions of things. These build our “thinking habits,” or unconscious thoughts that determine how we act and speak. I saw my parents sacrifice everything to be together; therefore, I believed I had to do the same in my intimate relationships. I entered long-term relationships that turned into long distance where I sacrificed my time and feelings. I had the horrible mindset that it didn’t matter if multiple partners couldn’t meet me in the middle. I would still spend my full energy on them — my parents did that, and they’re happy, wouldn’t I be the same?
I put my full self into each relationship, which resulted in multiple identity crises every time the relationship ended, as, again, my partners could never meet me in the middle. The eternal feeling of loneliness dwelled on me; I was scared to be in a room with myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and realize I had nothing in common with the woman looking back. The woman who spent years making someone else happy completely forgot about her happiness. And that has been my struggle ever since—a lovely struggle at that. Reversing this pattern has been the hardest yet most charming decision. It is not simple, but nothing valuable ever seems to be
Firstly, I had to recognize my pattern. I created lists, spreadsheets, and charts. I spent sleepless nights reading up on my birth chart, took personality quizzes and I even went to a tarot card witch, where far more than my relationship pattern was revealed. I wasn’t going to keep making the same mistakes and spend the rest of my life performing for the same type of audience. And then one day, I met someone who was perfect. They were perfect enough to fit into that imperfect relationship pattern of mine. So by the end of the first date, they walked me to my car, we hugged, planned another time to meet up, and I never saw them again. While I wouldn’t call this date successful, it did inspire me to go home and successfully decipher my complex relationship cycle alongside a bottle of Cabernet. Here is what I came up with...
I find a person. Person and I go on the first date. The first date rapidly turns into multiple dates. Multiple dates turn into sleepovers. Sleepovers turn into commitment. Commitment turns into dependency. Dependency turns two lives into one life — two whole people become one whole person. The fusion of two lives turns into a compromise on everything. Compromise leads to the loss of self. The loss of self leads to more dependency. Dependency leads to unhealthy habits. Unhealthy habits manifest in the relationship. The relationship ends. Sometimes leaving one person a little more in pain than the other.
Secondly, I released the suppressed emotions I felt from those past traumas and past lovers. I learned how those emotions manifested and let them go, whether through journaling my thoughts, working on my breathing, or giving myself a “self-love” talk in the bathroom mirror (also known as the mirror technique). I found what triggered the toxic thoughts, and then I acknowledged them and asked them, assertively, to leave this body because there wasn’t room for both of us.
Lastly, I rewired my behaviors. This is an evolving step in breaking any pattern or bad habit, regardless if it’s romantic or not. I consciously practice this every morning when my eyes open. There are still some days where it’s a little harder than the day before and that’s okay, too. We’re trying. And that’s already the best accomplishment. I generated new habits that weren’t so destructive to my well-being. I taught myself better communication skills, a different outlook on relationships, and more self-respect. Because I don’t have to give up my time, my passion, my life, or myself to make my partner happy. Forget that. I’m done with compromise. Compromise is not a synonym for love. Compromise is defined as accepting standards that are lower than what is desired.
Now, compromise is not a vow I make to lovers nor ask for that in return. My life is not the same life my parents had. I’m involved in a different generation where more people meet online than in person. The way I meet potential partners is through an algorithm that I can’t even comprehend. Plus, my aspirations in life have become a vital part of my existence; therefore, relationships have become a want, not a need. I stopped looking for a fairytale that I grew up wishing I had or what us, women, are taught to think we want. I started questioning how I love others and learning about how to put that love back into myself. Self-love will ultimately help me learn to love my future partners in a healthier manner.
It’s possible to see love as a beautiful privilege. Our relationship pattern is a method that can help us grow deeper into our psyche. It can teach us about what we need to control and what happens with ourselves when we surrender to our lack of control. The only step that needs to happen is to sit down with your relationship pattern and confront that demon. Ask it questions. Listen to it tell you its story without judgment. Agree with it. Disagree with it. Go ahead and love it because it is a part of your identity. Then develop it. Modify it to be healthy for you and future intimate partners. You don’t deserve less. Love is an essence in all of us, so when we tap into this essence, we can create an abundance of it and send that out to the rest of the world. And that is the most divine thing that we can do.
Guide to Exploring Your Kinky Side
Essay
We have the privilege to experience a vast variety of tastes: sweetness, saltiness, bitterness, sourness, and savoriness — and tastes that are combinations of all five of these. The beautiful part is the realization that our cravings are different compared to those of our companions. We mix and match until we find combinations that thrill us from the inside out. We categorize food into “favorites” and “not-so-favorites.” This passion for taste that we, as humans, are born to endure has created knowledgeable head chefs, bestselling cookbooks, and even the excitement that comes with being invited to a dinner party. The variation of taste has become a place of play and self-expression. Well, sex is like this too. Sex is totally like this.
Sex is the meal that we might crave. Sex is the pizza that we wait for in a line that is way too long on a day where we skipped lunch due to the bus running late, but when our mouth engulfs the first slice, it’s over. The hatred for life is over, and you forget about the anger you once had towards the day. Sex does that for us too. Let me rephrase: good, communicative sex does that for us.
What makes the pizza so mood-changing? The toppings, the sauce, the fluffiness of the crust, and even the technique within the baking process. What makes sex so pleasurable? The person(s) you’re doing it with, the position, the duration, the preferred tools, and materials. Sex is a great activity, but it isn’t until we personalize it that we find the magic. This is where those personal taste buds come in.
Welcome to Kink Land, My Friends.
According to Kinkly, kink is “an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional or unorthodox.” It can be a simple kink or a more complex one. Frankly, a kink can be whatever you want it to be as long as it’s pleasurable for all parties. Some may shame this type of sexuality and say it isn’t “normal” for people to participate in it — and maybe that’s true for some. But it’s also hot for others! For women, this can be a place to reclaim their feminine sexuality. For men, this can be a place to feel more comfortable with being vulnerable with themselves. For non-binary and/or trans folks, this can be a place to explore their bodies and/or their partners’ bodies. And disclaimer: more people have kinks than not, and it’s your personal choice to decide if you want to act on yours. Keep a vanilla sex life or get a little adventurous with yourself. Either option is beautiful. Either option is, dare I say, hot.
There are many flavors to try when it comes to kink play. Some are simple alterations that can be practiced during sexual activity, some require certain materials, and some require certain skills and traits. I’m here to be your fairy sex-mother. With my arms open wide, I welcome you to a beautiful land. A land where self-expression is celebrated, vulnerability is stripped, embarrassment dissolves, and orgasms multiply.
Alexa, Play S & M by Rihanna BDSM is an ancient act of pleasure. Dating back to the very first civilization, scientists have found ancient records of dildo archetypes, the first female dominatrix, flogging in ancient Rome, the kama sutra (one of the oldest books about sex and how to practice it), and bondage techniques in Japan.
We’ve been seeing it in society since we took our first breath — a classic power duo where one plays the role of submissive while the other rises to dominance. Dominants — also referred to as “doms” or “dommes”— are the ones who are in control and tend to give commands. Oppositely, the submissives — “subs” — are the ones being controlled or dominated by their sexual partner. Generally, there are two main parts to BDSM.
B&D refers to bondage play and discipline. This act of bondage can include specific materials such as ties, ropes, and cuffs. Frankly, anything that can constrict the submissive’s actions can be included in bondage. Bondage is then partnered up with any form of discipline that the dom(mes) are into. Spanking, teasing, whipping, and verbal punishment are all forms of discipline.
S&M refers to sadism and masochism. Practicing this specific activity of sex involves a different form of pleasure: pain. A sadist is a person who becomes aroused by the infliction of pain on their sexual partner. The masochist is the person who becomes aroused when pain is inflicted on them. This form of BDSM is a safe and consensual way to adventure into a new realm of sex. I will repeat once more, BDSM is a form of sex that both sides are giving their full permission to practice. Usually, these practices involve a safe word — a word the masochist can use if the act crosses into danger and the sadist is more than happy to oblige.
Deciding who is dominant or submissive can be a fun part of the sexual act. What you decide to categorize yourself as in the bedroom does not need to reflect on how you are in the world. There is complete flexibility with BDSM; some might even choose to switch between the two. The persons who choose to change up the roles are commonly known as “switches.” Deciding what party plays what role is easily accessed with open communication and a safe environment where experimentation is glorified. Trying both positions can help claim your personal sexuality — not just to determine if BDSM fulfills your fantasies but also to determine what role makes you feel more secure within your own body and desires. A study of a handful of “switches” found that BDSM can reduce anxiety by bringing an altered state of consciousness, similar to the feeling some get when they experience a “runner’s high.”
The Act to Claiming Your Dirty, Sexual Fantasies
Firstly, the only way BDSM can work is if there is constant, unbreakable trust between parties. There needs to be a belief between partners that no one will be taken advantage of and/or put into a dangerous scenario. If you have any doubts, have an open conversation with them or find someone who can bring you that safety. It is important that safety and trust are established before pleasure can be encouraged.
Another thought to entertain: BDSM does not need to result in penetrative sex, just like any other sexual encounter. There are plenty of other options to fulfill your kink fantasies that do not lead to penetration. To name a few: spanking, bondage, humiliation play, role play, and power dynamics are all kink acts that do not need to result in penetration.
Secondly, a safe word must be created. A word that will result in the “automatic stop button,” no questions asked. This can be used when either party is experiencing discomfort or if the boundaries are starting to blur. Without hesitation, the safe word will result in the termination of a certain scenario. I highly recommend deciding on a word that is extremely ridiculous so the activity has no choice but to come to a complete stop.
Thirdly, we have to talk about boundaries! A boundary is the dividing line, the line that establishes the limits of something. I encourage you to reflect on what your personal, sexual boundaries might be. Ask yourself: What makes me feel safe? What makes me feel unsafe? How can I draw a line between the two? This can be a serious topic due to triggers that might be present in your life. Keep note of those triggers; those are your boundaries. If your sexual partners cannot understand your boundaries, ditch them immediately! They are not the people you want to be playing with. It is essential that you find partners who can be open to making the environment safe and fun for you. The partnership that comes along with BDSM is simple: the submissive usually creates the boundaries while the dom(me) acts on those boundaries with respect. The dom can always suggest certain activities, but generally, it is the submissive’s decision to move forward or not.
The Flavors of Kink
BDSM is only one of the many acts of sexual play that is practiced; there is a whole other world out there with more styles, more positions, more play, and way more pleasure. As previously stated, there are several forms of kinks/fetishes and many resources that go in-depth with each type of them. Here are a select few that are commonly used during “play.”
- Scene / Role Play: a scene that can result in a time period, specific location, specific characters, etcetera. This can result in classic forms such as war roleplay, sci-fi roleplay, anime roleplay, romantic scenario roleplay, and more.
- Erotic Humiliation: a sexual activity that results in the dom(me) consensually name-calling their submissive partner or “forcing” them to do something in favor of the dom(me). Humiliation can be used as an act of foreplay. Also, this a good example of when the safe word can play an important part. If any activity or verbal play stops being “play,” the submissive has the right to stop it by calling out the designated safe word.
- Spanking: a form of physical foreplay where either or all parties can engage in and can also be referred to as “impact play.” The most common procedure results in using the palm of the hand but keeping the fingers together without using the fingernails for more control. The scratching from the fingernails can become painful, so best to stay away from using them. There are many tools that are used to heighten the pleasure — whips (such as cat o’ nine tails), paddles, riding crops, etcetera. After a beautiful spanking session, it can be pleasurable for an aftercare massage to increase the blood flow and help with the sensitivity of the skin.
- Bondage: previously discussed in the BDSM section, another common kink is including specific materials such as ties, ropes, and cuffs. This form of restricting physical movement can also be done without materials — a dom(me) commanding a sub not to move certain parts of their body. Whatever you decide to do make sure you never restrain someone from their neck! Leather restraints and harnesses are great starter packs for kink beginners. If you’re looking for advanced play, ropes are a great option. There are many forms of tie knots to try out with your partner(s). If you want to contribute to bondage in your sexual life, remember to invest in good-quality toys. Ignore the fur-lined, plastic cuffs you find in the back of a hot topic. Find local websites and stores that are intentional with their toy-making. Here are some that I prefer to give business to unbound Babes, lelo, dame, and Bliss for Women.
- Sensation Play - involves any activity that gives the person(s) sensation. This can include wax play, food play, temperature play, and any other texture play. This is a place where creativity can be praised. Feathers, wax, honey, whipped cream, ice, cooling/heating toys, wartenberg wheel, and e-stim toys are all resources that can be used during this type of sexual arousal.
The Importance of Aftercare
Aftercare is a key component of kink play. This is the portion of the night where all parties check in with each other to make sure everyone feels comfortable and safe. This includes sanitizing and putting away toys, cleaning up the rest of the space, and checking in on everyone’s mental state. Aftercare is a necessary step to take. Kink play can bring emotional and physical side effects to the surface, so it’s important to have that recalibration for the relationship. For example, many who dabble in humiliation do not want to be treated like that in their day-to-day lives or by their partners outside of the bedroom.
Physical aftercare involves removing bondages, grabbing any beverages and/or food to help with any fluctuating blood sugar levels, kissing and/or massaging certain body parts that might need extra blood flow, and even a nice shower to calm the body down.
Emotional aftercare involves communicating with your partner about how you felt during play. This can be a good time to rephrase how kinks are only kinks and no one should feel ashamed about what “turns them on.” Any negative feelings should be communicated and listened to for further experiences to remain fun and safe for all parties.
Why We Love Kink Play
Kink play brings a new flavor to a person’s sex life. It can be a place where trust and safety work together to create a new sense of self-exploration. Kink can also be a place where trauma can be faced and monitored. Many survivors who have experienced sexual trauma find that kink play can act as a safe environment where their bodies can be reclaimed instead of being a source of their depression, trauma, and anxiety. The main aspect of trauma work is to empower the survivor. There is a common three-step process that psychologists use to resolve clients' traumatic events, and it is surprisingly similar to the three stages of BDSM play. For further information on the three-step process, check out this link!
There is also additional research that has shown that BDSM practitioners are more extroverted, less neurotic, more open to new experiences, and more conscientious, among others. Kink play can be a holistic method where mental stability and self-understanding can arise with ease. For some, kink play brings control to sexual traumas, creates better communication in intimate relationships, builds mental clarity, explores personal fantasies, and introduces emotional healing that some struggle to tap into. Kink can be a beneficial practice to explore, so go find your personal taste buds and what flavors bring you pleasure, and leave the stigma behind. This is about you and your no-guilt desires, so get at it and go play!
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